I laughed out loud when I read that. There is a lot of truth in there.
Think back to all the misconceptions you had about marriage before you got married. What were some of those? Maybe you thought:
- Marriage will fix all my problems.
- If I get married I won’t be lonely anymore,
- If I get married I won’t lust anymore,
- If I get married I won’t overspend anymore,
- If I get married I won’t feel depressed anymore
Now let me ask you- How did that work out for you?
Or maybe it was unrealistic expectations? Maybe you thought…
- We will just stay home and have sex all the time! I once had a young man come up to me and ask, “How does it feel to have sex every day? I replied, “I have no idea!” Somebody has to get a job, pay the bills, and make lunch. (lol)
- Maybe you thought- I’ll go work hard all day, and when I get home she will have the house spotless, a big fat steak on the grill, and she will rub my feet while the little ones play by the fire.
- Maybe you wives thought- He will go to work and come home and be ready to hear all about my day, look deep into my eyes and talk of wondrous things, he will fully understand me as a woman, he will be gentle, patient, protective, and sweep me into his arms and every day will be an adventure.
The thing about expectations is that they can be dangerous. Because many times our expectations are not realistic and when they are unmet- it can make us think that marriage is a fraud or that our spouse is a failure. When in reality maybe it was just our expectations that needed to be brought down to the earth.
We all have unrealistic expectations when we first get married.
My expectations were shot on day one: Our wedding day! So in my mind, I imagined this beautiful ceremony in Venezuela, (where my wife’s from) and I’m imagining friends and family, joy, celebration, a fast and smooth ceremony, no stress, and everything just goes perfectly!
Now here’s what happened in reality: we had no car and no Walmart, so we were stressed and zipping around town in a taxi trying to get stuff together. We made our own wedding cake at 1:00 am in the morning before our wedding. My wife came down with chicken pox, my mom was the only family that was able to come to the wedding, and the pastor was late and preached so long we needed chairs on stage so we would not pass out. Oh, and Sandra’s dad looked like he wanted to kill me the entire service! The reality was not what I had expected.
Maybe some of you know what I am talking about. I bet many of you entered marriage expecting one thing- and were like, “Whoa whoa whoa- this isn’t what I thought it would be?” I thought she would do this, or I thought he would do that, or well my mom and dad did it this way, or I never had a mom and dad and I have no idea what its supposed to look like- and its easy to get hurt, angry and frustrated.
For many couples, this shock feels like an alarm clock! But I want you to understand, even through that shock, Marriage is a stinking awesome gift from God!
When God created everything he declared it all “good.”
Then we get to Gen.2:18- God says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Notice- no sin has entered, Adam has perfect harmony with God yet… it’s not good. Most of us have realized that there is a God-shaped void in our souls that cannot be filled apart from him, but here we see that there is also a human-shaped hole that even God himself would not fill in Adam’s life. There is no substitute for human relationships. To that end Marriage is awesome! Marriage makes our joys increase as they are shared together and our sorrows lighter as they are bared together.
Marriage is also hard work.
Remember last week I shared about how marriage caught me off guard- I was like, man I don’t want to really work this hard, can’t we just like “BE?” I had to make a lot of adjustments- She was used to going to bed at 8:00 and I was used to going to bed at 1:00 am, She was used to not talking when she’s mad, I was used to talking it out, she was not used to being affectionate- I am the most affectionate person in the history of affection. So we had a lot to work on. But like Proverbs 14:4 said- anything worth doing- takes hard work and dealing with crap- but it brings abundant life.
But Marriage is NOT ONLY hard work, it is a war of the heart. See your life and marriage are not primarily about the big moments, those are few and far between. Marriage life is really about all the little everyday small, mundane moments. That is where the majority of your marriage will take place. And it’s in those moments where your heart is in a battle- to treasure Jesus and your wife, or something else. How do you treat your spouse in those small moments?
The key to this war, as Paul Tripp put it,
“A marriage of unity, understanding, and love is rooted in worship, not romance.”
So what does that mean?
- That means- sex will not keep your marriage together.
- That means friendship will not keep your marriage together.
- That means Romance will not keep your marriage together.
- Only true godly love- with Jesus at the center will keep your marriage together.
See there will come a day when you don’t feel fuzzy like when you were dating. There will come a day when you argue and don’t really like each other that much. And on those days- it’s your relationship with Jesus that keeps you together, its Jesus that keeps you faithful, its Jesus that keeps you from walking away, its Jesus leads you to say- “hey let’s work this out, let’s talk, let’s get better.”
Ok, so how do we do this Chris? How do we fight this war for the heart, this war for marriage? How do we get from where we are today to where we want to be a marriage of unity, understanding, and love?
God’s word tells us the way:
Ephesians 5:22-25 (NLT)
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. 25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her
A healthy marriage is based on mutual submission.
The text teaches that we are to submit to one another: putting the desires and needs of our spouse ahead of our own needs and desires.
- Wives submit to your husbands. Put his needs above your own. Let him lead you. Let him make the big decisions. This is what Christ desires for you. It is a picture of how the church submits to Christ.
- Husbands- love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. So if we are called to lay down our lives for our wives, that includes our desires. It is a beautiful circle; if the wife will submit and the husband loves her and serves her, then everyone will end up with their cups filled.
Notice the text doesn’t say: Wives are to be seen and not heard. Wives are secondary. It doesn’t say- husbands love your wives if they do everything you say. It’s not conditional, it is God’s command to those who are married, in order that they might have a healthy marriage and it would be a beautiful picture of Christ and the church.
The hard truth is this: The biggest problem in your marriage is you.
We cannot change anyone else. No amount of threat, manipulation, or shaming will do it. We can only work on ourselves and your words and behaviors are shaped by what is inside of you more than what is outside.
Luke 6:43-45
45 The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks
You are your biggest marriage problem. Your heart and the war raging over it is the source of every marital problem. It’s a heart issue. Now Pastor don’t get caught up in your theological understanding of the first part of that verse- focus on the last part- “out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” How’s your heart pastor? If you are verbally attacking your spouse or others- what is going on in your heart?
But the good news is- since you can’t fix your own heart- Jesus came to rescue you from you.” (AMEN!)
Jesus rescues us, saves us, and begins his work in us- but then we have to begin cooperating by obeying to do our part. “We have to learn to say no. Not to our spouses, but to ourselves. “
- When we say yes to our sinful nature it is destructive to our marriage.
- When we say yes to laziness it is destructive to our marriage.
- When we say yes to everyone and everything else except our spouse- it is destructive to our marriage.
- But Chris I’m not good at saying “no” – You have the ability to say “No!” to sin because the Holy Spirit resides inside of you.
True godly love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not demand anything in return or that the person being loved is deserving (read that again and let it sink in).
Now think about this- what could your marriage look like if you are willing to do this? Ecclesiastes shows us a snapshot of what can be accomplished in our marriage when we keep Jesus first and work together as a team.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Spouses help each other succeed.
Planter your wife can help you succeed or fail. The wives are crucial to the planting of a church. When the wife is hardy in the work as the husband, then they can push each other to grow in so many ways. Hey lets read the bible together, hey lets go exercise together, hey lets work on a budget together, hey would you like my help with that? Would you like me to help you study for that test? Would you like me to help lift that for you honey? Don’t let your boss get to you- you do a great job! We help each other succeed.
Spouses pick each other up.
In marriage, when one person falls- the other is there to help, not shoot them. We are to help each other, not look for reasons to throw in the towel. Why do we normally think this way- because we bought into the lie that marriage was going to fix all our problems and when it doesn’t we feel cheated. But when we unlearn that- we can be a lifeline to each other- and know that someone has our back no matter what.
Spouses keep each burning for Jesus.
When the planting journey gets tough, and it will, our spiritual flame can start to flicker amid all the busyness. We get weak and tired, but together we can remind each other of God’s faithfulness, goodness, and life-giving love! We can keep each other burning! Spouses can push each other toward Jesus.
- We can pray together. (Don’t underestimate this one)
- We can read together.
- We can counsel together.
- We can serve together.
- We can give together.
- We can laugh together.
Spouses help protect each other
Church planting can be a dangerous place when many attractive women need to be counseled. Spouses can can help set boundaries and pick up on subtle hints that we men totally miss. My wife has rarely been wrong when warning me about a woman. She has protected me on numerous occasions and I thank God for her. It was once said, “I am not as strong as we are.”
- Spouses bound together by Jesus are difficult to break apart. Keep Jesus at the Center of your marriage and it will be tough to break. The church can’t be the center of your marriage it has to be Jesus. I know that’s hard to hear. But the church plant can become an idol.
- As Paul Tripp says: A desire for even a good thing becomes a bad thing when it becomes a ruling thing.
So how’s your marriage?
- Are you ready to see your marriage get better?
- Are you ready to give your best to your spouse, don’t give them your leftovers!
- Are you ready to get on The Same Team? (You can live in the same house and not be on the same team).
- Are you ready to Dream big dreams for your marriage?